I am searching

DH starts his new job in 10 days time, leaving me solely responsible for the children for the first time in a year and a half. This is a massive change in our lives and while it’s a positive change it’s also a terrifying one. I am scared, I am nervous and I am cowering. But I am also searching.

I am searching for the woman I used to be.

I am searching for the woman who spent her nights moshing in underground metal clubs.

I am searching for the woman who survived the death of her fiancé at just 19 years old.

I am searching for the woman who worked for the government for 6 years, often working 10 hour days with a 75 minute commute each way.

I am searching for the woman who had the confidence to travel abroad to lecture at an international conference.

I am searching for the woman who survived the loss of her most trusted friend while suicidal with post-natal depression.

I am searching for the woman who managed to take care of her 2 year old daughter while heavily pregnant and suffering from ante-natal depression, with her husband working nights and studying at university during the day.

I am searching for the woman I used to be, the woman who has somehow become lost in a fog of depression, cyclothymia and anxiety. I used to be capable of so much; now even the thought of going out to see friends sends me into a panic.

Somehow I need to remember who I used to be. I need to find my strength, my confidence, my resolve and most of all, my self.