Motherhood, mental illness and beyond

Au revoir

Some of you may have realised that I haven’t been around for a while, either here or on Twitter. If you’re a regular reader of this blog you may remember that back in the summer DH and I were reported to the NSPCC and Children’s Services by a former friend who hadn’t been in touch for over a year but who read this blog. Although we were swiftly cleared of any wrongdoing, the experience has scarred us both deeply. I no longer feel comfortable blogging and tweeting about my mental health, knowing that my words could once again be turned against me. I’ve tried to continue blogging but I just can’t be open any more – I’ve drafted countless posts, and deleted them all because it doesn’t feel safe to publish my thoughts, my distress or my struggles.

It’s the same with Twitter. Knowing that this former friend is probably still watching my account makes it exceedingly hard to see Twitter as the (generally) safe haven that it once was. I can’t be honest and open any more, and that makes it very hard to interact with people who are fully aware of my problems and who are kind enough to care how I am. I tried having a locked account for a while but it didn’t feel right.

Because I no longer have the twin outlets of Twitter and blogging to help and sustain me, in terms of mental wellbeing I have to focus on self-care and looking after DH. This means that although I care about the friends I’ve made online, I don’t have the strength to support them as well as look after my children, husband and of course myself. To those friends I want to say that I’m sorry. I feel hypocritical, for having to abandon you when I’ve been abandoned by so many so-called friends and know how devastating it can be. But my focus has to be on my family and myself right now, because without being able to open up and interact honestly online, my support network has become severely diminished. I wish you all the very best, and hope that you continue to help and support each other. I cannot thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.

I hope that this isn’t goodbye. I hope that it’s just au revoir, until we see each other again. But for now, although I’m having to type this through the tears, @SamCandour and this blog will lie silent.

Comments on: "Au revoir" (7)

  1. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. But you could always start another page under another name.

  2. Oh sweetheart, so sad to see it has come to this. Look after yourselves, I know I’ll still be here if you ever need me, and I’m sure I won’t be the only one.

    I hate that one thoughtless individual can do so much damage to someone who has given so much to others. You didn’t deserve any of this, you’ve been a force for good and will be missed. I hope one day you can feel comfortable again.

  3. I’m so sorry Sam, it’ll be sad to see you go. I read your blog early on when I started blogging and really learned a lot. I can completely understand why you’ve taken this decision and obviously you must do whatever is best for you and your lovely family. Wishing you all the best and ready to welcome you back if you decide to make a return x

  4. I’m so sorry for what you have been through. The #pndfamily will miss you. Please take great care of you. xxx

  5. I truly hope that there is a time when you feel safe enough to return, to twitter and to blogging, as your words are always intelligent and important. Take care of yourselves, all of you x x x

  6. Reading this makes me very sad, not only for you but for all those that you must of helped through your honest and courageous writing. You are certainly not a hypocrite, in fact you are acting with great integrity and responsibility to take care of yourself and your family. I hope you find an outlet for yourself somewhere. All the best to you X

  7. I don’t know anything about you other than your inspiring blog, but have always enjoyed reading it. Do think about continuing writing in some form because you are, first, so skilled at it, and at reaching out to others, and, second, because I do think it’s cathartic and useful – I’m hoping you get lots of support in other ways, and you have loving people around you. Thanks for your blog and sending you and your family all good wishes.

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