Motherhood, mental illness and beyond

I am searching

DH starts his new job in 10 days time, leaving me solely responsible for the children for the first time in a year and a half. This is a massive change in our lives and while it’s a positive change it’s also a terrifying one. I am scared, I am nervous and I am cowering. But I am also searching.

I am searching for the woman I used to be.

I am searching for the woman who spent her nights moshing in underground metal clubs.

I am searching for the woman who survived the death of her fiancé at just 19 years old.

I am searching for the woman who worked for the government for 6 years, often working 10 hour days with a 75 minute commute each way.

I am searching for the woman who had the confidence to travel abroad to lecture at an international conference.

I am searching for the woman who survived the loss of her most trusted friend while suicidal with post-natal depression.

I am searching for the woman who managed to take care of her 2 year old daughter while heavily pregnant and suffering from ante-natal depression, with her husband working nights and studying at university during the day.

I am searching for the woman I used to be, the woman who has somehow become lost in a fog of depression, cyclothymia and anxiety. I used to be capable of so much; now even the thought of going out to see friends sends me into a panic.

Somehow I need to remember who I used to be. I need to find my strength, my confidence, my resolve and most of all, my self.


Comments on: "I am searching" (5)

  1. You are not alone, although I know you may feel the loneliest person on the planet right now. I have been, am in, a similar situation. Right down to losing my bf to suicide at the age of 19.

    All I can say is that I wish you the utmost ease in finding yourself again; you are most definitely still in there =)

  2. Oh, Sam. What a terrific post. You are still you, though. I don’t think of selves as stable or set, but as protean and changing. There is a kernel of us that is taken through each incarnation but we may lose aspects of ourselves we prize as life throws different things our way. Or we might just change again. And find a new self, one we like even better than those that have come before, that is still part if what came before. Hang in there lovely.

  3. You’ll find her. She is simply waiting in the wings. xxx

  4. And also, I think, it’s kind of like one of those “magic eye” pictures from our youth. Don’t look too hard for her, and all of a sudden she will be in front of you. Honestly, she is there, I truly truly believe this xx

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