Life is difficult at the moment, for a number of reasons. DH is still struggling with his bipolar disorder; his psychiatrist is great but he hasn’t found the right balance of medication yet. So I never know who I’m going to wake up with – my husband, or a man who’s as excited as a small child at Christmas, or a man so depressed and morose that he can barely move let alone speak. Two of these three options are exhausting to live with and look after.
My mental health, never great at the best of times, is suffering because I’m focusing on DH and the children. I know the aeroplane oxygen analogy; you take care of yourself before others, because you’re not use to anyone if you can’t breathe. But I am the only one holding things together right now and I’m damned if I’m going to let DH suffocate in his illness. Nor am I going to neglect the children purely to look after myself. I’m managing. My back is as problematic as ever, particularly when I forget my walking stick. Money is ridiculously tight. My bingeing is out of control.
But I have so much to be grateful for. Yes, life is stressful and tiring right now but I’m alive. The children are alive and DH is alive. We’re relatively healthy and have access to understanding and helpful doctors. My parents and sister are wonderfully supportive and helpful, as are DH’s family. I have a couple of fantastic friends, and loads of good friends on Twitter.
I have 2 wonderful, funny, kind, sweet and healthy children (even if their bickering does drive me crazy sometimes!). We have a roof over our heads and food to eat; we live in a nice area with easy access to the sea and the Downs. The weather is temperate, the people are friendly and DD’s school is amazing.
I have so much to be thankful for that I should really focus on the positive aspects of life, instead of the negative. I am lucky to have all the things that I do when so many in the world have to manage without.