Motherhood, mental illness and beyond

Posts tagged ‘frenzy’

I am a swan – serene on the surface, frantic underneath

Today is not a good day. I had a voicemail from the psychiatrist this morning to say that he can’t see me for an assessment next Thursday after all; I’ve been trying to phone the office all morning but there’s no answer. My back is pretty bad today and keeps spasming at unexpected moments. I have also had to acknowledge this morning that a decade-long friendship is over, which hurts.

In addition to all this I feel weird today. Frantic is the only word for it. I feel as though I’m vibrating, as though I’d downed several pints of espresso. I want to scream, shout, rage, throw things, break things, cry, sob, cut myself and most of all I want to be left alone. But I have 2 small children to look after. So I have a smile plastered on my face and we’ve been having stories and playing with the Octonauts and watching CBeebies (surely every parent’s saviour?).

I’m used to having a few days up followed by a few days down – I believe it’s called rapid cycling. But today my mood is changing almost every few minutes and it’s frightening me. Life is very stressful at the moment but I’ve never felt this out of control before. It’s taking every ounce of self-control that I have not to give in to the frenzy.

Thankfully DH is here and is able to look after the children while I go out for a little while. It’s only short trip to a friend’s to drop off a baby blanket I’ve made (her second baby is now a week overdue!) but it will give me a brief period of peace and solitude that will hopefully help me regain my mental footing a bit.

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