Facebook is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand it enables me to talk to friends without having to see them face to face – as I’ve said before, I’m much better at writing things down than I am at being honest in person. On the other hand it means I get to see all the petty, inane drivel that people come out with sometimes (and yes, I include myself in that!).
Earlier this week I was really struggling to hold myself together (see this post if you want details). And I started looking at my friends on Facebook and thinking, are you really a friend? Are you someone I could call on in the small hours of the morning if I needed to? Are you someone I trust? The answer for most people was no, of course. Friends like that are rare and precious – but I wasn’t really thinking straight at the time.
So I went down the list clicking delete, delete, delete… Most were people I’ve been meaning to get rid of for a while – other mums who I only know because we have children the same age, people I was friends with at uni but have barely spoken to in years. It felt good to get rid of them, like decluttering or spring cleaning.
As my mood has settled, however, I have found that there are a few I regret deleting. I’m not sure what to do about this, especially as hardly any of them know about my mental health problems and even those who do don’t know the full story. Do I just chalk this up to experience and move on? Do I contact them, explain and apologise? To be honest I doubt any of them have even noticed – certainly no-one’s contacted me or tried to add me again. Which just compounds my feelings of confusion and “Well they’re obviously not proper friends anyway”.
To make things even worse I’ve had another, similar day today (someone who responded to the earlier post called it a mixed episode, this period of flitting rapidly between up and down). So I don’t know whether I’m thinking straight now either. I don’t trust my own thoughts, my feelings, my instincts. My mind is like a Gordian knot at the moment and this incident is only one strand of the rope.