At the moment I’m like an aeroplane tossed around in turbulence; dropping like a stone one moment and bouncing back up again the next. Never knowing when the next air pocket will take me by surprise. I just want a nice smooth journey where I can get up and stroll around and maybe have a drink from the trolley. Maybe even pilot my own aircraft for a while instead of having to rely on
autopilot medication to give me a smoother journey.
I took the first step towards this today when had my psychiatric assessment. It was much easier than I had anticipated – I think I had built it up in my head as a big scary confrontation with a besuited bloke sitting in judgement behind a large desk. In fact the guy wore jeans and a shirt and was very affable and friendly.
He was very thorough and at the end of the assessment he told me that in his opinion I have generalised anxiety disorder. He’s pretty sure I don’t have bipolar 2 as my GP suggested but wants me to keep a mood diary for the next few weeks to check for possible cyclothymia. He’s going to refer me for CBT (hopefully the proper face-to-face one this time instead of the crappy computer one) and suggest to my GP that she increases the dosage of my anti-depressants.
We spent quite a long time discussing my mood cycles and their effects and at some point it dawned on me that I have no idea what it’s like to feel normal. I don’t know whether my upswings are what a regular person would call normal, or whether they take me higher than that. Fortunately the mood diary has a detailed scale in it so I just have to find the appropriate box to tick.
It did make me wonder though. I keep saying that I want to be normal, that I want to function normally. But somewhere along this road I lost sight of what ‘normal’ feels like. I have had depression off and on for nearly 20 years; I have self-harmed for about 25. Would I be happy being normal? Would I even recognise it? What is normal anyway? When it comes to mental health does ‘normal’ even exist?