Trigger warning: suicide.
For ages now I’ve been pottering along, coping ok with the usual day-to-day stuff and seemingly well thanks to my anti-depressants. Until a few weeks ago, that is. For no discernible reason my mood took a nosedive and I began to have suicidal thoughts for the first time in almost 3 years. I’m not saying that I wanted to kill myself, I didn’t. But thoughts of suicide were continually popping into my head and I found myself dreamily considering ways of ending my life. Needless to say, this terrified me. Which, in a way, was a good sign – when I’ve been truly suicidal these kind of thoughts have been welcome, even comforting. But this time they were intrusive and frightening.
I’m lucky to have a great GP, who managed to squeeze me in at short notice. She listened sympathetically, checking that I felt able to keep myself safe and that I had people I could turn to if that changed. She increased the dosage of my anti-depressants and fired off an urgent referral to the community mental health team (CMHT). Much to my surprise they called me later the same day and offered me an appointment with a mental health nurse the following morning. The appointment went well and the nurse was reassuring. She agreed that I seemed able to keep myself safe despite the suicidal thoughts, and gave me the details of the CMHT helpline in case I started to have difficulties with that. She also referred me back to a psychiatrist for mid-April, just to be on the safe side.
Gradually my mood began to improve, and I went from barely being able to move off the sofa to throwing myself into the housework with an enthusiasm that’s most unlike me! I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts for days now. I’ve seen my GP again and she’s happy that I’m safe and managing far better. For now I’ll continue on the higher dosage of anti-depressants, but if I start to get too high or notice an increase in hypomanic episodes we’ll try lowering it again.
I consider myself to be very lucky. I have nothing but praise for the NHS, my GP and the CMHT, who saw me so swiftly. DH is my rock, and my wonderful sister and parents are supportive. My dear friend Sutton is a treasure beyond compare and I also have some amazing friends on Twitter who, although we’ve never met, are kind and caring and incredibly supportive (you know who you are!). I am so grateful to all these people; for listening and reassuring, and for being the safety net that stopped my headlong plunge into darkness. I really don’t have the words to express how thankful and humbled I am by their love and support, so I’ll just say this, from the bottom of my heart: