I’m a mess tonight.
I really struggled to look after the children on my own today – DD was stroppy and contrary while DS (who’s teething) was grizzly and having mini-tantrums. Then he refused to settle at bedtime which meant I was stuck nursing him instead of doing DD’s bedtime as I was supposed to be. She was upset, DS was still refusing to sleep so after 2 hours I gave up and he screamed himself to sleep in DH’s arms.
At this point I just gave in. I sobbed, I binged, I sobbed some more. Now I’m lying in bed in the dark, too ashamed of myself to face DH. I don’t want to see the kindness, sympathy and love in his eyes or I’ll start crying again and might not be able to stop.
I’ve been lying here thinking about how much I love DH and the children and how much better off they would all be if I was someone else. DH deserves a wife who is a proper person instead of a ball of tangled thoughts and emotions. The children deserve a mother who is patient, who doesn’t get cross so much, who doesn’t get bored playing with them and who is able to work and earn money to pay for their clothes, shoes, trips etc.
I’m not suicidal, don’t worry. Nor am I considering leaving. But I feel so sad for DH and the children. Their lives would be vastly improved if I could magically become someone else. Someone who is genuinely happy, someone who is able to take her share of the load (both physical and mental). Someone who doesn’t medicate with food. Someone who isn’t me.
I worry that one day DH will decide he’s had enough of my problems and leave. This has always been a concern for me and the poor man has spent much of the last 11 years reassuring me that he’s not going anywhere. But why wouldn’t he if it all gets too much? I’ve lost friends before because of my mental illness; some couldn’t cope with my deep suicidal depression after DD was born, some just couldn’t understand why I didn’t get better. Every time I sink back down into the blackness or binge or self-harm in some way I live in terror that it will be the last straw for DH and if I’m perfectly honest I wouldn’t blame him if he did decide he’d had enough.
I’m writing this down because my mind is in such a whirl, such a downward spiral that I need to put my thoughts in order somehow. Or at least in more of an order than they are at the moment. I don’t know what else to say now. Maybe there isn’t anything more to say.