Motherhood, mental illness and beyond

The fidgets

I’m all over the place tonight. It’s like when I’m unmedicated and having a mixed episode but not as severe. Earlier I felt very low, very apathetic, slow of thought and melancholy for no reason. Moving took a lot of effort. Eating took a lot of effort. That low feeling gradually wore off but has now been replaced by the dreaded fidgets…

I am unable to keep still, both mentally and physically. I spent most of the last hour restlessly twitching my legs, sitting with my legs crossed and jerking a foot rhythmically. If I became aware of what I was doing I’d stop, but that felt weird so I’d have to start again. Even now, lying in bed, I’m rubbing my feet together. My mind is racing, flitting from one thought to the next. One moment I’m mentally drafting a blogpost or two and then suddenly I’m composing a shopping list or working out what needs to be done tomorrow or thinking about a book I read or a programme I watched or craft things to do with the children or any number of other things.

Writing things down doesn’t help when my brain’s so active, for every 1 thing I note down another 2 pop into my head. I perpetually have music in my head and tonight it’s an irritating song from one of DD’s singalong CDs. I can’t concentrate enough to crochet or knit or read a book; my mind just skitters off in a different direction. It’s frustrating as hell and probably means it’ll be past one o’clock before I eventually doze off, and then I’ll have weird dreams. Still, that’s better than the frighteningly vivid nightmares that I often have these days.

Hopefully I’ll be on a more even keel tomorrow. I don’t fancy fidgeting my way through half-term!


Comments on: "The fidgets" (2)

  1. Hope you are feeling better this morning.

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